30 December 2007

I often do wonder if there is actually some kind of fulfilling personal gain from nurturing a hatred of someone that really, really doesn't care. Honestly, I have often wondered what the appeal of maintaining a hate against any one person yields. I mean, I believe that hatred can be a useful emotion, and can effect some kind of positive impact. Hatred of oppression, or high taxes, or serial killers. Hey, I didn't condone the death penalty last time I considered it, and I've seen enough cop movies and shows to know emotional involvement within the pursuit of justice can be a larger hinderance than any other, but the fuel is there to drive someone to care. Just a slightly misguided or misinterpreted cousin of passion, hate is.

All that I feel right now would only come about as pure narcissism if articulated, but ya know, there ain't no shame in having pride. I do feel as though I have picked up on some important maturation somewhere along my short voyage through life that those older than me seemed to have overlooked. I'm glad I do not let a silly past conflict affect my entire demeanor at a light-hearted social gathering, just to maintain that hatred, that carefully groomed hatred. I feel really high school even writing about such a dramatic situation, but I also cannot help but feel that I got the better hand here. Whereas Jessica will actually put forth the effort to post myspace bulletins, start facebook communities, and orchestrate prankcalling sessions against a person that wronged her over a year ago (apology included!), I feel very good surveying the constructive things that I use my time for. Hell, all she has done is evoke some interesting thought for the night, and in all honesty, without even a hint of a condescending tone, I do pity her in some way that her character is of such a calibur, she is willing to alienate herself from a conversation to prove a point. Furthermore, a point to someone who is not worried about having such a point proved to her.

Dear Jessica, darling, should you read this, I would love you to ask one thing of yourself in all sincerity: What personal fulfillment to you achieve from such middle-school lunchroom tactics? I know you, you are actually quite a bright girl, and have a big heart. I harbor no ill will toward you, aside from the character judgments I've been rather forced into coming to. So why the eye rolling? Why bother? I want you to know that I will most likely never in my life be affected by your opinion of me, and that you are only detracting from your own personality by continuing the behavior.

A lot of people I've encountered simply don't change. A lot of them continue pointless or self-destructive behavior because of deeper issues. Cries for attention? Proving one isn't a pushover? A lack of self-respect, at least in some regard? There are a thousand catalysts for anger and hatred. I suppose we all have our own, but I think one of those great things you learn in the journey of figuring yourself out earnestly to the best of your ability, and then liking who you are, is how to differentiate between emotions that should be acted on. Keep yourself at numero uno, Jess: if it ain't making you feel good, it's not good. And if aformentioned stuff does make you feel good, perhaps you need to get to know yourself a bit more... or let a shrink do it for you.

All in all, you are the second person in my life I have ever known, who has articulated such an all-encompassing resentment toward me to this day due to some high school aged conflict. And well, the first girl was a self-loathing, promiscuous cutter.

1 comment:

Jessica said...

Who would have ever thought that doing a google search for my name would have revealed this to me?

I must say, you are a very good writer.

Also, I have never prank-called or encouraged anyone to prank call you.

However, one little detail you left out of your piece is that the apology was hollow and I never received my coat after everything was said and done, two years later.

It's not so much the fact that you stole property from my house. It's that you lied to me about it when I first saw you wearing it (Rally Point, you told me it was a Christmas gift. Then I smoked you out in my car. Sound familiar?) and you... well you know the situation so it's pointless to continue this.

I would just like to say that while my opinion certainly should not matter to you, that you must realize it is a huge character flaw to be so vain as to not see your faults and to blame others for their hostility, when it was invoked by you in the first place.

I'm sorry that I hold grudges. That's one of my major problems. But my anger doesn't change the fact that you are a liar and a thief.

I'm sure that coat is well-worn and useless these days, especially in the blistering summer heat. But I hope you keep it always as a trophy and reminder of your childish antics that you never will outgrow.